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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in hillshea's LiveJournal:

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Saturday, September 16th, 2006
2:31 am
The novelty still has completely worn off and im still enthralled with the new knowledge im learning-although that novelty is quickly slipping away-has shown by the rapid drop in library attendance within the third week. Now im hardly in there and do nothing all day.
Im running for student government, which is darn near impossible with all of the people running and my now lazy campaign. Im hoping I rallied enough votes-but we'll see on tuesday.
The house already had an offer! I was flat out flaberghasted! In less than a week an offer was made-its still financially pending, but thats crazy. My mom's going to freak out when she has to move so far away from me, but i know it will be off set by moving back in with Dad.
Emily said she would go home w/ me next weekend, im really excited for her to meet my mom-i think my mom would like to feel more involved. Emily has a humor like me, but is much, much more open than I am and in turn, is causing me to invert further. I've realized theres a lot people here dont know about me(which is obviously common, but i mean comparitively to what I already know about them) and there never seems a good time to bring anything up so i'll either wait to i have an emotional breakdown or just keep going. we'll see how things keep going.
So times I feel so lost though-I just cant move on and I dont really know why. Even with my grandpa, I cant get over it. I cry everytime I think about him. And now Im faced with the ethical issue of whether or not to sue my grandmother. When I found out that she had been using all of the grandchildren as a tax shelter(with money my grandfather no doubt left for us) I was so upset I had to leave the room from my parents because I didnt want them to see. I cant imagine how bitter my dad must be somedays. To have to watch how she treated his dad and how shes treating his daughter and neices. I honestly believed at graduation that we had all moved on. I remember that day and how happy I was to make them proud and I feel foolish, no, I think I am actually mad. And I dont get truly mad easily. Sure, I lose my temper occasionally, but using your family goes beyond that. I want so badly to summon the courage to confront her, but could never find the strength. I wish had that courage in many aspects of my life, but I just dont. It might help to deal with a lot of issues, I guess. But so of course I probably wont sue her-how would I feel if I sued my own grandmother!? No, Im going to be different in this family and not fight over money.
Well I have to get up kinda early and have a lot to prepare for so I should be getting to bed. Its a nice relief to organize that thought externally-still so much left. Goodness I need therapy from this family
Sunday, June 18th, 2006
11:32 pm
Okay, I dont know if you, and you know who you are, will read this again. For all I know you horribly angry and arent ever going to speak to me again. And I dont think I would really blame you.
I receieved a hazy phone call and thought I was only hearing sounds in a dream only to awake to a foggy and downtrodden sounding voice. This quite surprised me and left me more confused.
I wish,if I had reacted faster, that I could picked up that phone. But I just cant right now. I dont know when I will be able to again but for now I've made promises that Im not about to break again. I told myself that my family, growth and faith are coming first in my life.(corny, I know, but I cant back out now.)
For now I will leave it with my trip was very nice. I got to see a lot of old friends that I didnt realize how much I missed them. It was refreshing to see them again. I've been working a lot and doing well w/ it-Im trying out a new work ethic. And I have orientation tomorrow. To defeat my ever present self destruction, I will limit myself to only positive comments so i'm sure I will have a blast Monday and Tuesday and dominate on my placement exams. I will not cry and I will laugh and smile enough to charm an army of new friends. I will be pleasant and not fight w/ my mother. Tomorrow will be a good day.
I hope that your surgery went well-please tell me it did and I hope that youre doing well. Im sure youre amazing people at work and giving them more than they ever expected-you seem to be good at that.
I find myself checking this often, so if youre ever bored please write.

Current Mood: tired
Sunday, April 30th, 2006
11:48 pm
This sucks and I hate. Im just so tired and nothing seems to work. It all just haunts me and I cant see a way to fix anything. Lies on top of lies, but I cant stop. Im just so scared and in the midst of trying to fix things and makes them better all I do is make them worse, but it seems thats all Im usually good at is making things worse. Erlack. Someday things will work themselves out-hopefully, but there doesn't seem like that day will ever come. And what when it does? I just dont know anymore.
Graduation is so close and im so excited. But I need to stop putting things off. Im reading a stupid self help book-heaven help me. And it says to make everyday your masterpiece and yadda yadda.It has this whole huge list of things youre supposed to be doing each day, and Im trying. Im trying to be a more productive person. Im just so darn lazy. That was the point I was trying to get to-Im scared for college because theres all these things I say I'll do when I get there instead of starting now. Like run or be more active-what makes me think that will suddenly happen then? Im trying. We'll see.
mmk well my head is going in circles. Thats all it ever does anymore. I get nothing productive accomplished. It like my mind is stuck on repeat and the same thoughts play and replay. I just frusterate myself. Doctors appointments. I need to go to doctors. I have vaccinations, checkups, dentists. So much to do. Sheets. I need to buy sheets too. I need a list. A nice little organized list-that would seem helpful. Why worry about this now?! I have the AP test on thurs. I dont think i'm really worried about that though-theres nothing much I can do. The only thing thats sucks is that I'll get a nice little lecture when if I do badly on it.
My own life would be something. But im always so worried about dissappointing or not following in a pleasing way. And its all im used to. I cant really deal otherwise. Because that means making decisions on my own. We all know how well that works out. Huh. My mind is kinda skitzo right now. I just really need some sleep.
Friday, March 24th, 2006
12:58 am
you just never can tell...
Again, im sitting thinking that ive made the wrong choice. But i must keep going with this and use it as a time to grow within myself which i know i need to take time out this craxiness to do. I trust that if we both grow strongly that God will place together when it is right for us, like all those other stories ive heard so much about. I believe that a time will come when everything falls into place. If not falling perfectly, things will become well and clear-i just never can trust my feelings, how i hate them. Im excited for some reason-maybe because I know that this is the right step to making things right for the future. I just didnt feel like it could continue into the future, but now I(for some reason, though no real difference only in silly words) I feel like it can. Maybe because im being more honest. Goodness, how dumb though. That is a joke because I am still not being honest about the pas, or entirely about now, but feel like I have a made a step and this right for all parties. I will tell eventually, the words are on my lips all the time and it takes a conscious effor to suppress them. Fear that they just wont articulate perfectly hold me back. I always chock and loose the ability to convey my feelings and they get hopelessly muddled and lost. But there is hope now. And I feel like I need time after school to just be simply me with no worries. Just to feel this. I cant really explain it except for maybe i think its another growth requirement.
We went to the play tonight, and I thought it was very good. Entertaining and humerous-what more could you ask for? to not be lonely and hollow after every laugh ended? I tell myself that will go away, when i dont know.

Current Mood: optimistic
Sunday, December 25th, 2005
11:39 pm
I had another wonderful Christmas. The tree was overflowing with presents,and my dad is home. I should be the happiest a girl can be. But its over now, or winding down quickly and I dont know why im stuck in tears. Perhaps its because the whole holiday season passed me by and I didnt so much as put a penny in the salvation army bucket. Im given everything yet give nothing in return.I attempted to pass cheer in the stores by giving holiday greeting but failed to recieve one heartfelt return. I still see loneliness in the eyes of my mother and feel the pang of longing and of missing people. I see the holiday parties on tv and the cheer of large families, and am reminscent for such qualities. I visit my friend's house which is full of homebaked goods and family happiness. I love my family and yet they continue to be source of emptiness. I swear something new comes up everyday that haunts me. Now long lost family members are sprouting up and i cant begin to place them. My aunt still is left with out a christmas letter from me. She's also trying to scrape money together for my graduation. I hate to make her do that.
I dont know what my problem is! Maybe I am just a spoiled brat who needs to not overanalyze everything in the world. Just let things be. I had a great Christmas-why must I thrawt my own happiness? I hate how I constantly dont trust people to love me. I realize i think people will suddenly realize who i am and just stop liking me. I grow so discontent with everything around me. With material objects, parties, and school. I just get bored and tired of trying to live up to the standards imposed by social events. I'm tired of worrying about saying the wrong thing. umph. I think thats enough. Now i'm just tired
Thursday, December 8th, 2005
11:08 pm
I sat in my car for about 45 minutes or more w/ erin just having this indepth conversation about the most random things and i was so happy. I dont know what i'm going to do when i go away. I feel lost when i am deprived from her sense of humor for more than two days. No one laughs w/ me the way she does. I will be lost. And i just came to many realizations that made me content. Mostly about religion. And i'm ok with being a little lost right now becasue i feel taht when i'm ready i'll recenter and beable to more fully focus on mass. I just have to grow out some selfishness and suck it up. Eventually i'll get there. I know God's patient with me. She also helps me a ton w/ family issues. Which i'm thankful for. Most of my friends have always come from large familys and i can never relate to their abundant households, and finally i found someone who can relate w/ me. wonderful.
also today i thought of a memory. ive thought of many from time to time that i wanted to write down but i forgot about them by the time i actually sat down so i wanted to get this one out. The time when I had to break up w/ cody and i just thought i could just say the words and them not hurt, but it did. And it was the first time it actually hurt to do something like that. And i remember Erika being in the next room and i just crawled up with her in my round chair and cried. It was the first time i had cried over a guy. I dont like the being sad, but i'm happy to have been moved emotionally and actually feeling something. I dont know, silly, but it makes me happy.

Current Mood: awake
Thursday, November 24th, 2005
12:41 am
I find it funny how often we drift from our faith. Yet we have the audicity to pray to God. We ask him for help continuously, but so seldomly give thanks and leave him by the wayside in good times. I find myself continually lying awake wondering how Ive changed. I sadly think I reached my religious peak in 6th grade. To see Sarah Jo's faith so strong pushed me to believe, and it grew steadily since but somewhere I've lost it. I desperately try to reclaim it and find hints of it on retreats or in class or sometimes in friends' actions-isn't that where God's supposed to be? In all of us? But the adament devotion is sadly not there. I pray, hoping one day it will find me again, and I know being open to it and waiting will find me once again in the right place, but I'm struggling until then. Although that is a lie. I haven't gone out of my way to change my life. No, I stop at mere wishes and hopes. These do nothing and are but little of the first step.
I think I heard someone say once that you must lose yourself to find yourself. And I believe that, but I wonder what losing yourself entails. Must you lose yourself in a passion? A love? or does losing what you once dreamed of and how you perceived yourself count? This is all really too dramatic. My perceptive on life has not been extremely altered, but I am scared. Ive lost the boldness I was possessed in viewing the world. I suppose that goes with age. The world was full of possibilities and I would go wherever I pleased and far away is where I pleased. I was always independent enough to make it happen, but now Ive just become closed in. I dont know why the cities dont entice me like they used to. And no proffessions compel me. I fear they will only limit me and keep me from finding something fullfilling, but the more I think about it social work does sound better. And I still plan to travel, its just my plans have changed, and I have to learn how to deal with them. I wonder if i'm finally tired of change. But I refuse to believe that-the thought is too repulsive.
I hadn't planned to write much but there has been so much on my mind lately and I haven't even sorted it well at all, but it will have to do. I don't know how to do it much better and to go futher in depth would be too exhausting for me I think. Good night.
Sunday, October 23rd, 2005
1:09 am
I'm sitting here, trying to open my mind, and nothing comes. Nothing. I'm just this mass of useless space and thought. Only this bleak feeling comes to mind. It's accented by my bleak sketches. And Triston Prettyman, with her meloncholy mellow music seems to be create soley for my listless mood right now. And I dont know why I feel like this. I should be happy right now. My test is done, Shannon's birthday went well, but I just dont know. I also feel excited about a college for the first time in a long time. Its only St. Ambrose, but for seem reason, right now, it feels like it could be right. Katie and Leigh are seriously considering attending also, and i'm thrilled at the prospect. My dad is also pleased with this school, and it is an hour away from iowa city so I could be with my friends whenever I wanted. It seems perfect. Theres no telling how long this assured feeling will last, but I hope atleast until the end of the year, I dont know, I just think it could work. But I will wait until I see the campus. The looks of campuses strongly change my opinions. I dont know what I have painted in my mind for college, I just know everything I've sought so far has not lived up to it.
I'm happy to have been able to sketch tonight. It really helped me drain out my emotions. I just felt so thrawted. And my house just seems like a prison, and yet a comfort. I feel so solaced to be able to curl up in my bed and deal with no one but the characters living in Pride and Prejudice(which I am ecstatic to be reading once again!)
I felt beyond lucky tonight to be surrounded by a table of good friends. Its how I always want my life to be. The table was filled with good humored jokes and laughter the whole night. It was a great comfort to have them around me. I dont know what I would do without them, although some insults bring me to tears and their immature actions often frusterate me, they support me through everything I do, and I am so grateful.
I hope to catch a movie tommorrow with my mother, I've been craving a movie. I miss them so much. How I long to be taken to the movies. Its my favorite treat in the whole world. I dont know how, where, why or when this obsession developed, but it did. And it wont leave me alone.
And another thing that has been plaqueing me is that I am such a horrible, caddy, girl! Horrible! I need to just not speak, ever again. Ive known this, but for some reason I continue to gossip and get caught, and feel just downright awful. But URGH. i cant help my frustration, I know its silly. Theres no reason to let silly issues interfer with relations with others, but I do, Oh I do! Hopefully it is a teenager thing and I will eventually grow out of it. I would be more than happy to apologize, but then I dont know if this person actually knows how I was carrying on, so I take the risk of outwardly offending them when I didnt before. But urgh, I swear she tries to get to me, then I shouldnt let her, I know. Erlack Im a lost cause.
Oh well, a little reading and a good nights sleep will make everything better!(words to live by)
(another bonus to St. Ambie's is that Kate tells me there is a plethora of DVD's for me to gorge my little heart out on!, she knows me so well!)

Current Mood: blank
Sunday, September 25th, 2005
1:30 am
Oh, you know how it is.....
Are there just random things that can make you suddenly and intensely sad? There are so many moments in life that can just fill me wholeheartedely with dread and sorrow so heavy it hurts. And its usually only little things. Like the ice cream store I work at closing early, and a single old man coming to get it and the look of disappointment on his face as he walks away. All I can think is that it really would not have hurt me to make him w/e he wanted. Maybe he was craving something that just would have made his night. Or the moments I lie awake in bed when others in the house are still up. If they turn everything off and then go to bed I feel so lonely and deserted! I used to have a huge problem with this when i was younger. I would have to fall asleep before everyone else went to bed or Id get so sad. The sound of genuine sorrow in a loved ones voice is discouraging also. Its one of those sounds that can reduce you so thoroughly. Just seeing an elderly person dissappointed can really depress too. I dont know why, I think I just fear being old so I hope that old people now are fully satisfied and happy. When theyre not I think I am fearful for what might become of me. Theres also the defeated feeling of just missing a person so much it hurts. I dont know, Ive just been realizing a lot lately there are just those little moments that can leave me devastated for good bit of time.
But theres also a fair share of wonderful things that can lift your spirits just at quickly and intensely. Like I have this memory of something someone told me once that echoes in my head, and my heart will just give a happy leap. Or seeing genuine happiness(not so oddly enough, the opposite of the sad things induce these feelings of happiness)and hearing a heartfilled laugh is refreshing. Meeting up with old friends and experiencing a warm hug(the kind where you pull the person you love in and arent in a hurry to let go because you want to cherish this renion)Or all the happy memories of fond friends that can flood your mind are wonderful. Simple things, also, like the sun shining down gracefully on you as if to give you much needed encouragement are nice as well. Just taking a moment and fully appreciating all you have and looking around you to see true beauty in your surrounds can fill one with true happiness.
Well now I am just fully exhausted by going from sad emotion then uplifting myself with such happy emotions, so i must recover with sleep.

Current Mood: Im okay for right now
Tuesday, September 20th, 2005
8:19 pm
I am just stuck
I just feel so stagnant right now. At the beginning of this year I was filled with naive anticipation for all the things it would bring, and so far its brought nothing but frustration. I mean, I knew seniour year wouldn't be spectaculiar and everything going my way and the world looking glorious beneath my pedestal, but seriously this is shaping up to be completely bleak. Although that isnt fair, its only a reflection of my current listless mood. This year has so far offered me a lot, but right now im so aggravated with classes I cant look past it. And homecoming isnt appealing to me as in past years.
We had this motivational assemblely today. It was to get us to not stereotype people, and care enough to look past the surface. It was actually very hard hitting. I wasnt expecting it to be. I just dont know how affective it actually will be, I did find myself already today having to stop from thinking such typical assumptions about people. It really is a horrible habit. The group hosting the assembley also just captivated me! They were so passionate and charismatic. It really made think of what i want to do with my life. They are visibly helping people, and not jsut with this program but they set up places for hurt people to go. They help them rebuild their lives. Its mindblowing. Part of me wants to be able to make a visible difference like that, but anohter part is so selfish and only wants to study things that interest me and get a job that only benefits myself. I just dont know, hopefully something will just hit me at college and then i will know. I will know what God wants me to do and what he has planned for me. I just have to trust that.
Now I start to feel badly for all of the times Ive abadoned religion in my life. I just dont know, it truly is a compforting thought that allows you to have such spirit,joy, and a reassurance about all events, but theres just something holding me back from fully accepting the church. It hurts to actually come to terms with that, and i'm not sure i actually am.
Ive cried in the past two days more than i have in a long time. Im just letting little things get to me too much. I was so angry yesterday from school then coming home to discover that my dad was leaving. I'm supposed to know that he always leaves on mondays, but i forgot! i'm never sure when he leaves, and that unpreperation was all i needed to send me over the edge. Now the whole emotional realization of today has me all loosened up. I just dont know what to make of anything anymore. I'm trying to get through one day at a time and by doing that I know I will make it through this year, which i'm telling myself wont be too long. Then i'm hopeful for all of the things that will be open to me after this year. I know it will be hard, but i look forward to the freedom from the suppressing restrictions now imposed. I hope by then thigns are clearer for me.
Erin and I searched the libraries today for socialist books. Everyone thinks we're nuts for being so interested in the party, but i find the philosophies wildly fascinating, atleast from afar. Now i'm excited i get to dwelve deeper. Karl Marx must be some genious to have a whole group of followers, Marxists, preaching his ideas. So I look forward to investigating his thoughts. I doubt im even able to understand one line of his works, but atleast I can try. By the way, you would be surprised how many odd looks you can receive by going into the Iowa Central library-they just do now like non students.
Getting things out has helped somewhat. Atleast now I feel relaxed. It also makes me feel a bit more inspired. The trouble with my inspiration is i have no good outlet, everything is so lacking and never turns out well or fulfilling. Maybe my new book will be fulfilling.
Thursday, September 8th, 2005
10:09 pm
Upon rereading my entries and comments from friends, i've found i really dont like myself. hmm. yes i dont quite know what it is. but the more i contemplate it, the more i have growing dislike for my hypocrisy. Although this new feeling is weird considering i was just in a very optimistic mood towards this year and life and all that in general. Im just at ease right now, and when these feelings come i tend to try to take advantage of them, seeing as how they are so few and far between. im sure when i wake in the morning ill be at my wits end with some new worry. i really am just an annoying person! hmm...perhaps i could change this somewhat by not being so hard on myself. interesting concept(which will soon be forgotten) i thin i need to stop being so hard on others first. i think i am far more mean than ive ever realized. in vain, i attemt to change this. but alas i will continue
school is a real trip right about now. i'm forever drowning, but i think its because of my own over active imagination. holy heavens help me.
music is just entrancing me now! so many new bands flooding my head, and i love them all! i'm terribly excited about this. Erin, Brooke, Shannon, and i are all going to a concert and shannon and i are going to yet another. it will all be good fun. now dustin tells me he is going too, and many other ppl that i am excited to see there. so it should be an all around good time. hmm....now a distracting thought of something interfering to ruin it, enters my mind. i must brush this aside.
so many times have a million thoughts flooded my mind that i want to tell people, but i can never get them out. now i wish to write them but in fear of them landing in minds the wrong way, i hesitate. For instance, i'm so scared that when cody leaves ill never see him again, but deep down there is a feeling that we will see eachother sometime. but who knows? things happens and people change. that is the fear deep down that disturbs me. i cant hold on to these hopes for too long because i know that people grow and meet new people and thier desires change. ive made many friends and kept in touch with a few people for many years now so i know its possible to reconnect later. but i'm scared for what the changes will bring. i guess i dont really know how deeply he feels, (and perhaps why for that matter. there somewhere deep down is a pride and i know i am a valuable person a guy should be lucky to have, yet i stop in hesitation still. i have no real talents and vainly attemt.) All i do know is that i've never quite felt this way towards any other guy. Hes atleast given me that and showed me how i deserved to be treated. Never pushing me or making me feel quilty or mean or dumb, or even angry for that matter. but nowi leave, still pondering these thoughts and trying to deeper grasp my feelings to convey them properly.

Current Mood: contemplative
Tuesday, August 9th, 2005
1:24 am
Ive been thinking that if I was a writer I'd probably be like F. Scott Fitzgerald. How he goes into rich detail, but almost random detail, is how I like to write. Sometimes I wonder if he ever overdoes it a little though, like most beginning writers tend to do, but it also is so sensuous and beautiful that it rules out the ammeteur possibility. Some of the things he describes are so gorgeous. On the whole his books inspire you to be a romantic but leave you feeling cynical because most of his protagonists have been forced to become one and although wildly fortunate never have complete happiness. I think thats what fascinate me about his books. They seem very real in that aspect. They have all the ingredients to be insanely happy but are their own worse enemies and thrawt their own plans towards happiness. I often feel this way in my own life, and I believe its the most depressing feeling.
I watched to oddest movie tonight. It was centered around this straight and narrow, far behind the times sort of guy. This clean cut british old man who is very lonely, and upon seeing a glimpse of a young actor in some cheap movie, he falls in love with him! Then the whole movie follows his voyage into a new lifestyle as he tracks this guy down and confesses his love to him. It was really bizarre how a guy could be so brazen with this totally unfounded love obsession. Just really odd.
School is starting soon and i'm feeling all of the usual feelings that are customary. Which includes a twinge of excitement and the hope, like every year, i will find something to truly be interested in. Something that truly strikes my interest. A fullfillment to the hunger for intellect that pure books alone can not fill. But only time will tell I suppose.

Current Mood: optimistic
Tuesday, August 2nd, 2005
11:59 pm
simple perfect things
Have you ever been so angry you just hold it in and bottle it up? well i have come to find this is very unhealthy. You see it just puts all this excess pressure on the inside of your body, which is the increase of molecular movement by the way. And if all of those little molecules are just speeding up it will eventually need to find an outlet, and when it does it could be horrendous. And also, if you tend to clench your jaw(like I do) its very bad for TMJ. BUT to make it all better, if you contain all your anger, sometimes your tears are slow to fall. They just well up in a puddle in the brim of your eye. This leads to one perfect tear spilling over and trickling down the contour of your cheek. It actually brightened my mood considerably to experience this. I bottled it. It was a single, perfect tear falling elegantly down my face.
But now all that come are choked sobs and fully damp cheeks. How I long for that simple one tear. I wish everyone I loved was by my side and okay. I'm sick of worrying about friends so far away and in pain! I hate it.
Monday, August 1st, 2005
11:25 pm
I was reading my second book for the day(yes that is sadly all I do now) in the comfy old blue chair by my window and took a lazy look around. Lounging there, staring off, I noticed how amazingly beautiful the trees outside are. Its not the first time i have noticed them but they never cease to amaze me. There is a gigantic one directly beside my window, and two more billowing trees across the street. They were perfectly patterned by the golden sun and consequential shade.
I was also pondering today as I stopped to get gas, what makes people so unhappy! I mean as much as I complain, I pride myself on being quite content with life. I find the greatest and most extreme pleasure in little things. But have you ever met someone and they seem so unfathomly gloomy? That is the way the gas station attendent at Tom Thumb is! On many occasions she has just disturbed me with her attitude. At first I was a bit angered by her grumpy mood, but now I feel rather sorry for her. It must really not be fun to be so upset day after day! I want to send her flowers or something to just brighten up her day. I wonder if you just anonomously received flowers if you make you happy? Or would be too distracted by the sender to fully enjoy them? hmm....
I havent watched a good movie lately. I think thats what I really need. Yes just a nice movie with a comfy set up and popcorn. I have a real urge to go to theatres, but jiffy pop and the couch would be just as fun. Such comforting thoughts. I hope I dream of thoughts like these tonight instead of the awful ones I've been having. I dont know exactly what I've been dreaming of, but I remember many clips and all of them disturbing. Well yes I think i'm going to take a nice relaxing shower and attempt peaceful dreams.
I think writing is helping create a nice breif escape from my self inflicted tormented thoughts. I do wish I had more a knack for writing. I think I would rather enjoy a career in it. Then I get into wishing I had more artistic ability to pursue that career as well. hmph thats for a later day though I suppose.
Sunday, July 31st, 2005
11:48 pm
i just dont know
I'm in such a bored state! These last three days were so unbelievably awesome! I mean, sure, I had all the problems of home crowding my head, but I didnt have to really bother with them. I could just be free and have fun for three blissful days. Riding on Ragbrai for those three days has easily(well runner up w/ Cancun) been the best time of my summer. The camping part was even a blast. And since I love riding so much, that was obviously a thrill. Just being on the road and gliding along, working hard was heavenly. Flying downhill was as big a rush as i've ever experienced. And the best part is I get to do it all again next year! And the whole thing nonetheless! And this time I wont have to be worried with thoughts of home, college maybe, but not home.
Only FOUR monthes until I turn eighteen! I can not wait. I keep telling myself things will change then. I'm seriously considering suggesting to my dad I move out. I'm tired of all the blame being put on me and being treated like this wretched child who goes out and continually does bad things. I KNOW I dont deserve it and i'm tired of bowing down to this kind of treatment. I really do think i'm going to pay for my own cell phone bill though, that will atleast give me the right to keep that and not have it taken away. And if I pay for my gas maybe she wont take my keys away every time she throws a fit. Since i'm seventeen I think I shoudl be able to be friends with whomever I choose, and if I pay for my own bill, talk to whomever I choose. I just cant handle being treated like filth for much longer. I cant express my feelings to her no matter how hard I try. Its useless to try anyways. Whenever I do she pointedly ignores them. She just needs to stop moping around and like an adult. For as much as she tells me I dont act my age, I could tell her the same.
My bosses have flipped. They think everyone is stealing from them(which, to be fair, we do give away a lot of free ice cream)But they're just having talks with everyone and think that theyre not gettin good enough explainations as to why ppl are getting in the cash registers so often. It was just all very annoying and didnt help my mood at all. I hate working. I hope i marry someone rich and can stay at home and just paint my day away. Urgh i'm just so frusterated with everything right now! I hate having to put gas in my car, I hate that i scuffed my bumber, I hate that I think i'll run out of money to pay my cell phone bill if i dont get a job during school, i hate that i'll have too much homework to work during school, i hate feeling guilty for breathing in my house, i hate feeling trapt here, i hate missing people, i just wish things were simple again. I wish I didnt care so frickin much! I truly think I am my own worst enemy. but i'm going to bed now, i'm completely exhausted.

Current Mood: bitchy
Monday, July 18th, 2005
11:54 pm
hmm...I'm in quite an odd mood. Although I suppose if I feel like I'm in an odd mood regularly, then and 'odd' mood isnt really isn't so odd. I got erin to go on a longer bike ride then we normally do and I'm very glad. I cant wait for Ragbrai! Being on the road for so long will be wonderfully rejuvinating!
All day I was just craving something to inspire, but I was tired and listless all day. The bike turned things a bit but I was let down to have to go to work. Seeing Cody brightened me a bit. I was just so happy to see him agian! His hugs are the most wonderful feeling in the world-he just pulls me in and squeezes tightly so for a few seconds everything is just perfect. Except that when he left I was even more distracted then before I got to see him. I actually had to shake my head to clear my mind of my silly day dreams. I will be happy the day i grow up and get over him. I know I should, but perhaps my mom is right and I have too rich of a fantasy life improved by a few too many movies. And how I do love movies, while i'm on that subject. Erin, Erika, and I went to the quaintest little theatre i've ever seen! It was small with a little cafe attached, and they only play indepent type films and have great decorations! It just made my heart swell with happiness. And tomorrow we're going to have a movie night and i can hardly wait, but now i'm tired and am going to sleep!
Monday, July 11th, 2005
12:34 am
I will admit I am used to having pretty much everything my way, but despite that I'm proud of how grounded I am. I dont think i'm overly naive or greedy. I am lazy, but still work well.
I only mind when I dont get my way on things I care about. Or when people vastly underestimate me, or ask me to do things that will hurt others and me in the process. Now giving up all my silly girl fantasies, I know Cody and I wont see eachother after october. Thats really hard for me to deal with, but why, then, do my parents have to make this harder on me? I know they are concerned about my 'reputation' and all that good stuff, but it still sucks. And even after I do this, I know they wont believe me still. So I'll be miserable still. I basically see it as a no win situation. I just dont know why all the deicisions I make have to care so much to everyone else and 'dissapoint' them so terribly. I really am strong enough to take a broken heart, I wish they wouldnt worry about me SO much. I wont break if something bad happens to me. If anything I'll revel in the intrique of it.
okay, I just really dont know what to do. I mean i know what i HAVE to do, but it just really irks me that i'm doing it because my mother wants me to. It really sucks taht I do everything I do mainly because she wants me to. They dont really respect my decision and it is clear that they have no faith in my judgement or that someone could like me for me. No, that is just to crazy for them. But I guess i'll just deal with it like I deal with everything else, I'll simply ignore it. I will say the things i need to say and go on with my head held high and try to forget about it, and hopefully it wont bring me down any. Maybe then all these entries wont be filled with spoiled ranting.
Honestly! I am such a baby. I will just do it and get it over with! urgh....hopefully I'll be able to find my voice.

Current Mood: really, very, unsure
Friday, July 8th, 2005
7:39 pm
just dont know anymore
I really hate this family. I hate how evil and caniving they are. I was just thinking back on a past I was too young to remember and am horribly ashamed of how hurtful and deceitful everyone was. My birth mom's sister trying to steal me and my grandmother plotting to turn me against my step mom. Step mom, that is funny to call her that because I've never felt her as one before this summer. Everyone using me to get what they want, and all the while just jabbing at my dad like he didnt even suffer a loss either. Im sure they never even gave my step mother a chance. Never got to know her before they ruled her unfit to raise me. She through the while has been a very good mother. I just dont know why she refuses to see things from my perspective. But that would be too lowly for her i'm sure.
I know i'm being bratty to continue to persue this, but I made sure to get her okay before ever getting myself involved. I think it totally unfair to me to let me get involved and then practically disown me. She frusterates me to no end by saying its not all about the sexual possibility but then bringing complete focus to the issure. After I have continually and specifically stated its out of the question. I hate the fact that she tells me she used to have trust in me, therefor giving her something to be angry over now for losing. When in fact she never had any trust in me. If she did, this never would have happened and she never would carry on the way she does. I agree with her when she says it will be a good day for me to leave the house. I can not wait to be rid of the tension engulfing the house.
12:41 am
Im so thankful for work riht now, if it hadnt have been for work i would have been at the lakes. I dont know if I would have been strong enough not to drink and not to have gotten caught. Except for now on I am really going to make an effort to stand up for what I feel is right. It makes me mad that my mom continually downs my confidence and self trust. She doesnt think me capable of doing anything, I swear. And only because I mess up occasionally, she has no idea of the things I do and it frusterates me to end how she thinks i'm unbelievably pathetic and incompetent when all my life my friends have praised me for being competent and self sufficient. And they think i'm a very honest person! It is the most irritating thing for her to tell me how little she trusts me when I have been nothing but honest, its only her biserk mind that has changed! But I am tired and can focus on this no more
For some reason I am overcome w/ a sense of well being. And I dont understand because things around me are not good, but in the fact that they are not good but I know everything will be fine, I find comfort. That is how i prefer to look at things anways. It just kills my mother because I dont worry enough, but its because I know they'll work out. Theres alot of things happening right now that I cant really deal with and I dont if its because of my age or if its just because theyre such heavy concepts. Although I dont understand it and am in no position to judge I just cant believe how rapidly people contradict themselves. How could a friend betray someone so quickly and harshly? and just morph into a demon you never thought possible of someone so close to you? Awful things happen, and you read about them and you say what a sad occurence it was, but you never think it will happen to you or a friend or even someone you know. Its just crazy when it does and it still feels like such an abstract quality. But its so disturbing and unnerving.
And some girls just baffle me! I wish all girls knew how to protect themselves, although there is not telling if if even I would know how to. Ive never had to and therefor never been tested but its just so aggravating that girls nowadays can still be taken advantage of like they are. And why are some girls so stupid?!?! If youre boyfriend is pressuring you in anyway to have sex and you have clearly expressed a desire to wait-there is something wrong w/ the relationship! Urgh!! I just get mad thinking about it. Probably because I know it could someday be me w/ the decision i've made and hope to God Im not as blind as the girls i see around me. And yet! my mom thinks cody is pressuring me or oneday will, but I know he would never even think to pressure me because he knows it would be pointless for one, and also just respects me more than that. And if any guy were to try and pressure me it would be the last thing he tried in the relationship. Im already, in my little bit of experience, threw with being pushed faster and farther then i'm ready to go. I'm proud of how far I think i've come in self revelations, but I do i'm not done yet-I mean obviously I have a ton of growing and maturing yet to do but I have confidence it will come. Im bound to meet a gazillion new ppl who will open my eyes to thoughts and views i've never encountered before. I hope to travel and lose some narrowmindness.
I know in my logical brian taht I'm going off to college and there will be tons of new people. There will be tons of new guys to meet and date and I probably wont be sad that I wont speak to Cody again, but for right now it saddens me deeply. I know that is really corny and dumb, but I just cant help it. I've always hated logic-it just sucks.
For some reason(going along w/ the feeling of well being) I am optimistic for my cousins future right now. I just suddenly am. I do kind of want to move down there for school to be close to her and hopefully encourage her to make good choices for herself, but i hope thats not the only reason i'm moving down there(if i even do! theres no telling rihgt now)But I would feel better being near her-I constantly worry being so far away from her. But thats true w/ all of my friends. I hate hearing theyre in trouble and being helpless because of distance. It just kills me.
I'm so excited to get out on my own. I know thats such a cliche dream but I suppose it is natural for my age. I'm just excited. But I'm going to sleep now where i will probably awake and this feeling will have sadly diminished.

Current Mood: optimistic
Thursday, June 16th, 2005
2:24 am
I can not express my deep and utter appreciation for sleep! I am attempting to, however, because I'm sick of thinking. I'm tired of analyzing the same old feelings until they no longer seem of any importance so I figured I would just go to sleep. What a truly wonderful thought, that a perfect and problemless slumber awaits. If any problems do occur, is it not a wonderous relief to awake and find the fictitious? Its glorious. No matter what the trouble is, everying is all right during sleep. I'm just so thrilled at the proposition. It truly is the little things in life that make you smile.

Current Mood: jubilant
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